Remembering... 40 years ago

Sunday was Miss Fiona's 4th birthday and Grammie has earned the privilege of being the birthday cake baker! I love this new role! But, actually, it is just returning to a very old role; a 40-year old tradition.

My sweet Mama gave me her cake decorating books and tips (because SHE wanted to learn to decorate cakes) so I could make sweet cakes for my children. I've reflected at how very kind this was of her.

This was my first grand attempt for Tony's 5th birthday. He wanted a cowboy and Indians theme for his party. Back then, when money was so tight, the 5th birthday was the first one where we had a *friends* party for our children.

I went and bought a new decorating tip just to make all of these fun balls on his cake.

(This is the same tip that I pulled out Saturday to create Miss Fiona's master-piece featured in a separate post!)

As I scanned and edited these old photos, yellowed with time, I started having memories pour forth from these simple images.

I think this photo is the one that really got me. The casual observer only sees Tony and Bekah with his party cake and cupcakes for his friends party.

I see-

• my old Formica table with gold flowered chairs that we bought or acquired when we moved to our trailer in 1974.
• on the window sill is the start of the first shamrock plant I ever had. Mike had been at a week-long training seminar in Shalishan, Oregon in January and brought back the funny little bulbs for me. It is potted in a Lucerne sour cream container.
• also on the window sill is a start of my Mom's Christmas cactus, tucked in behind my stylish curtains.
• out the window I can see our 1970 Chevy Vega, parked at the curb. It was my favorite green.
• Tony's #17 jersey is one I made him. Mike's favorite number was 17.

And this one of my darling family.

• Amanda is 11 months old, Bekah is 3.5. I love how interested Tony's sisters are in his special gifts and how he is sharing the experience with them.
• our not-too-long green shag carpet.
• my little rocking chair from when I was a tiny girl.

I'm so grateful for these happy memories.


**
And as long as we are on the memory train I had to share these photos of my darling Tony and his 2nd birthday cake.

I like doing things ahead of time... doing things last minute stresses me out too much. Fortunately I learned this lesson early on in my life and usually avoid a lot of stress...

but not this time.

We'd only lived in Priest River Idaho for 3 months when Tony's 2nd birthday came rolling around.

(Isn't he darling? I love his sleepy morning face!)

Grammy, my Mom, got him this red wagon for his special day.

He's put his favorite toys and his special quilt, made by Auntie Ann, in his new ride.

I'd made a fabulous cake for him. It had homemade marshmallow frosting that came up in beautiful peeks with swirls of dark chocolate on the top and sides. I put it, for safe and secret keeping, on top of the refrigerator.

Imagine my disappointment when I went to get the cake and found that the heat of the fridge had melted all of the marshmallow frosting down around the bottom of the cake. Luckily I had it in a cake-cover-plastic-deal and was able to smear the, now milk chocolate, frosting back up over the cake.

Funny story, but here's the thing... Tony was thrilled that his 21-year old Mommie had made him a special cake for his special day.

I'm so grateful for all the memories that came pouring out along with Fiona's special birthday cake!

Happiness is- Tony

Happy Birthday to my wonderful Tony! He would be 45 today. This is the wonderful person who made me a mother.

(I went looking for a photo of me at 45 and I could only find two, neither one blog worthy. Moms don't end up with many photos of themselves, do they?)

In the 1960s there was a cartoon panel titled Happiness Is... My Gramma used to cut out the ones she thought were pertinent to me and send them to me!

So a few years later when my Mom and I saw this little outfit that said *Happiness Is* we had to get it for Tony's blessing outfit. My Mama, the best handiwork woman I know, added *TONY*!

Happiness truly is Tony! He was born, after a 26 hour labor, with a congenital defect, gastroschisis. In 1972 the prognosis was bleak. We were told he would not live beyond 24 hours, but, if, by some miracle he did, his abdomen would look like a road map from all of the surgeries.

Long story short (that's about all I'm up for this day) through faith, prayer and the tender mercies of the Lord, Jesus Christ, Tony only had 2 surgeries, one to contain the intestines and one to close his abdomen! He was the Miracle Baby of Ped 3B.

I am so blessed that I got to keep Tony here for 9 years 3 months 13 days. I feel that Tony wasn't meant for this world, but the Lord granted me more time before taking him back home.  I am so very grateful that this wonderful man is a very real part of my family. I, and his siblings, frequently feel him close, watching over us and cheering us on.

I am so blessed!

The Blessing of the Temple

Today was my turn for sharing time. Usually I get started on it several days early but it totally slipped my mind until I was headed home last night at 10:30 after babysitting my littles. PANIC!! I knew this month's theme was the Temple and was so blessed and relieved when my topic was-

"Families are blessed through

sacred temple ordinances."

As I read through the sparse outline into my mind came exactly what I needed to share. My life would be so sad... so bereft of hope without the saving atonement of our Saviour, Jesus Christ and that through Him I have been sealed eternally to my wonderful celestial children! How could I possible go on without the hope of a glorious Resurrection? And an eternal association with my loved ones?

So I stayed up late and got up early so I could take my family with me to sharing time today. I found this wonderful snapshot was just perfect for showing my beautiful children at a very happy time. Christmas 1980 (7 months before Tony and Amanda died).

I also took along this photo that I put together back in December 2008. My Mama and Daddy... who love me and assist me from the other side of the veil!

When I talk of those wonderful temple blessings how could I not share their likeness?

Of course I get emotional when I share my deep faith and love for my family and the comfort I receive through the Holy Ghost. The spirit was so strong bearing testimony of the truths I was sharing...

Families Can Be Together Forever!

I made sure to identify to the children that what they were feeling was the Holy Ghost bearing witness to them than the things I was sharing are true!

After the closing song (Gethsemane led by several of my wonderful primary children... I was a mess) and closing prayer by Elder Oaks great-grandson, one very perceptive, precious girl (Zoie Smith) came and gave me the biggest, longest hug and thanked me for my lesson and testimony! What a sweetheart! She knew I needed that hug!

I am so blessed to be able to work with these wonderful children.

Lord, Be Thou My Helper

Today as I was pondering on the scriptures Psalms 30:10-11 jumped off the page at me and I knew that it would need to be this week's #ponderizing scripture!

My mind has been on the trials of this world that we all must face and how taxing that can be. My prayers go out to them in their grief and struggling.

Fortunately, my trials are very small; for which I am very grateful.

This year I have spent much time in prayer pleading for relief from the years of grief. And as always happens, Heavenly Father was just waiting for me to ASK to have this burden lifted and has been quick to grant my plea.

As I pondered this completed graphic formed in my mind. I may not be able to do much... but I stand as witness that our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ never leave us to *go it alone*!! They will reach out to comfort, strengthen, uplift and guide us.

They want us to be successful in our journey back to them!!

I share here, as well, last week's ponderizing scripture.

34 Years

This morning dawned cool and rainy, always a rich August blessing in our desert. We got 200% of our August rain total TODAY! As I prepared to take my walk (yes, in the rain!) the thought flashed through my mind, *The heavens weep.* I immediately replaced it with the thought-

THE HEAVENS REJOICE

AND SO DO I!

I rejoice that my precious Tony and Amanda are safely in the arms of our Heaven Father, freed from the trials of this life. They wait patiently for our joyous reunion.

I mentioned on Amanda's birthday that I'd been praying for, and received, relief from the years of debilitating grief. As this 34th anniversary day has approached I've offered that same prayer and continue to feel my Father's loving support.

After my morning walk I headed to the Provo Temple. I can't be sure, but I think that I've been each year on this day (or the next) all but the 2 years I was visiting in California. It is a wonderful, spiritual blessing to be able to serve there.

I've also found that it is helpful to stay busy so I spent the afternoon helping Camille get ready for her 9th year of teaching!!

Gordon texted me that I'd received flowers from my dear friend. She has been so thoughtful and kind in sending this yearly remembrance!

What I hadn't expected it this...

A sweet and thoughtful gift from my Temple friends, the Mechams.

Of course these gifts made the tears come... but not the sad kind... the grateful kind! These are some of the beautiful tender mercies of the Lord as He works through the hands of His faithful children.

I am so grateful to be at this end of these 34 years! I'm grateful for the understanding that has been given to me. I'm grateful for the healing... which often seems so slow and painful. I'm grateful to know that I will be with my Tony and Amanda again! I'm grateful for my wonderful family who loves and supports me but most of all understands that this is a difficult time and gives me the extra patience I so desperately need.

I want to bear my testimony, once again, that I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. He will never give me more than I can withstand. He will carry me through the darkness until I am able to walk and be whole.

I can do hard things! BUT ONLY BECAUSE I NEVER HAVE TO DO THEM ALONE!!

Happy 39th Birthday Miss 'Manda

Today my little Amanda Ruth would be 39! And somehow I am never ever able to imagine her as any thing other than my tiny girl! She was a going concern from conception! She rarely stopped moving...

APRIL 1977

She was a constant joy (and trial)... My love for her is unbounded.

DECEMBER 1979

And of the April 15-May 19th month each year her birthday is ALWAYS the hardest.

I want to include an excerpt from journal-

I've suffered in the years since Tony and Amanda's death... usually April through August is difficult and then again at Christmas time. Several Christmas ago I started being able to go through the holidays tear-free. As I discussed this with Ann she suggested that I pray for a lifting of this burden of grief. (Duh! Why didn't I think of that?) So this year I've prayed for a lifting of that debilitating grief. I haven't been totally tear-free but I've been blessed with the ability to feel the joy of their lives and take comfort from the Master of my soul. And as always, Amanda's birthday proves the hardest of the Mom's birthday, Tony's birthday, Mom's death, Amanda's birthday month. I'm so grateful for the blessings and love that I feel from my Savior! Without His atoning sacrifice I could not continue! Truly He knows how to succor this child!

I've had a few tears but all in all most of them have come because I am so grateful for the lifting of this burden of grief.

Last fast Sunday with Bekah's family I bore my testimony about this great blessing. Then during Relief Society I kind of lost it during the opening song. Bekah was conducting and sisters that I don't even know reached out to comfort me. I was so blessed that my sisters in Spirit, who don't even know me, would offer this love. I am so GRATEFUL for the tender mercies of the Lord.

"I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them." Elder David A Bednar

Grammie's Costume Box of Memories

In 1979 I made my little kids Halloween costumes. I was so pleased with the how they turned out. (Please to notice the barn wood shelf, the very stylish macrame owl and plant hanger- accenting, of course, the harvest gold couch)

AMANDA, TONY AND REBEKAH HALLOWEEN 1979

Previous years I'd done easy things like a ghost, cowboy, fireman etc but this year I went all out.

TONY, 7- THE PUPPY, COMPLETE WITH EYE-SPOT AND LEASH.

My first thought was that these would become pajamas but I was so happy with them that they became the first residents of the Halloween box.

REBEKAH, 6- THE SWEET KITTY

AND AMANDA, 3- AS A LEOPARD

THIS IS A VERY TIRED LEOPARD AFTER A TIRING NIGHT OF MARAUDING THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

AND YOURS TRULY IN MY 27-YEAR-OLD TOMATO-Y GLORY!

(When I ran across this tomato costume last week I'd forgotten that it was this old and I was that young.)

Over the years I've added more costumes: the Fruit of the Loom guys (a bunch of grapes and an apple), the tortoise and the hare, salt and pepper, pirates, hula girl, shepherds, Tinkerbell (a hand-me-down from Sue), an old woman and many more. Each Halloween we'd pull the box out and have a costume parade... and I loved it.

My favorite will always be the years Bek and the boys would come to visit. Stuart would usually have us in tears of laughter. I searched in vain for my blog post about this and I just now remembered- it's not on my blog but tucked safely in one of my many scrapbooks (you remember those days before blogging?)

So I was happy when Camille asked if the kids could come over and *shop* in Grammie's costume box for Halloween. Yes, please!

But this was our unexpected bonus... we put Fiona in her Auntie Amanda's 35 year old costume. (And see Mama-Camille's cute *costume*?)

What do you think this little costume would say about this?

Grammie says it makes her heart very happy!

33 Years

Today's anniversary of Tony and Amanda's death coincided with Fast Sunday. I knew that I needed to share my testimony of my Saviour. I must testify that Jesus is my strength, my comfort, my rock. He has never left me alone in my grief. Has it been hard? Absolutely!

TONY, AMANDA, REBEKAH EASTER SUNDAY 1981 (4-10)

But...

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." 

Phillipians 4:13

And as in years past, an anonymous angel has sent me flowers. Chad Wright delivered these at 8:15 this morning.

And they always bear this same message.

The thought just occurred to me. I've been sad that I couldn't decorate my kid's grave each year since they are buried in Livermore, CA. But some earthly angel decorates my house instead. What a wonderful blessing.

Truly they have followed the Saviour's counsel to "... succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees." (D&C 81:5) and "... are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light: and are willing to mourn with those that mourn: and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:8-9)

But I learned a new fact today; I am not the only one to whom this marvelous Christ-like person ministers. There are others in my neighborhood who received like remembrances on their difficult day.

I also had a visit and sweet treat and lovely note from my Whitley. I taught Whitley's Sunday school class last year. She is an angel.

I am so very blessed to live in an area where there are so many people who listen to the promptings of the Spirit and "comfort those which stand in need of comfort."

Sometimes You Just Have To Laugh...

Today I went to Desi's house to get a perm. (For those of you who may not know, Desi and Camille have been best friends since kindergarten and she is like a second daughter). Her little kids were going to go right across the street and ride their bikes in the parking lot at the school (which they call the park).

It brought to mind a story about my Tony. When he was just about the same age as Emmalie we lived just kitty-corner to the park and he used to love to ride his new bike there. I told them that I was watching out the window when I saw Tony crash his bike into one of the logs that were at the park's perimeter. I saw him get up and he started jumping up and down and crying (but I could'nt hear him, I could only see him). When I met him halfway he was bleeding badly from a cut on his head. (Poor little guy! You know how head wounds bleed)

TONY WITH HIS BIRTHDAY BIKE APRIL 1979

Emmalie was sitting at the counter eating a donut I'd brought and chimed in, "Did he die?"

I thought about it for about 2 seconds and answered, "Yes, but not from that!" And then laughed. Desi catching the sick joke, joined in. Finally Emmalie wanted to know what was so funny. So explained to her that he'd died from a drowning accident 2 years later.

There may be those who will judge me harshly on this one. I'm just grateful that, for once, the *dead* question didn't feel like such a punch in the gut. (But I cried as I wrote all of this!)

And You Mix It...

Fiona just turned 5-months old lasterday. What a fun age. She is coming into her own cute little personality. We had an extended Grammie day today. Yes, I do love this time.

After visiting with Mama, for lunch, and Auntie Desi, for a trim and wax, we headed back to baby-Fi's house. She took a little cat nap and woke up ready for a bottle and some play time.

We had some fun interaction time. First Fiona played in her little exersaucer for a few minutes but that was clear across the kitchen from where Grammie was doing dishes.

I pulled out the bumpo (boy, I love this little seat). It puts Fiona right up with the action. She was so cute trying to grab the dish soap. I'm guessing she wouldn't have thought it was too fun if she could have gotten it to her mouth. Fortunately, she isn't strong enough to do that yet!

I never trust even a bumpo out of arms reach, so when I came time to put dishes away she moved over to the other counter and played mix-it-up with a whip and big bowl. I'm always amazed at how much babies like kitchen gadgets... just like Grammie.

She vocalizes, blows raspberries and jabbers *mama*. She understands peek-a-boo and laughs. We play *hootie-owl* (We put our noses right together and hoot. It's a game my sisters used to play with me.)

Since I was gone for two weeks in CA I've really seen the change in her. It has reminded me of Tony at this age. We had just moved back home when Tony was 5 months old. My mom, the original Grammy, just delighted in that darling baby boy.  She was almost my age.

I'm so grateful for the wonderful example my dear Mama set for me on how to be a good Grammie.  She would delight in this new little baby girl... just like me.

Coming and Going

I just got home from my wanderings in the West! This is the first road-trip Elio and I have made! It all started on April 11 when I headed south  down the I-15 to visit family in California.

Shortly after this gas stop, where I reset my trip/mpg averages, I realized that there's something seriously wrong with this particular reading!!! I just WISH I was getting 72mpg!

Since I've *worn out the I-15* over the years I have some favorite sights... Virgin River Gorge is one of them.  Just outside the gorge I saw the happiest thing, but it wasn't a safe photo-op.  I passed a livestock truck hauling pigs.  Out of one of the holes was a little pink piggy ear- flapping in the wind!

And, favorite stops! Vegas used to be the first available In 'n Out Burger! So glad we have it in Utah Valley now.

The kids always loved Monkey Mountain at the top of the Baker grade. (This is what gave me the idea of the coming and going title...)

My first visit was at Spencer's house! I was able to accompany him and Deborah to the LA Temple for their Stake Temple Night.

And the next day I got to see my good friends- Batman and Robin (aka Auntie P and Sonny). Apparently I didn't get the memo that Auntie P's grandson's 1st birthday party was themed. But that's ok... I'm always Wonder Woman!

Sunday was Stake Conference with Spencer and family... happy day.

Monday found me on the road again. I'd noticed that the Joshua trees were blooming when I was headed through Barstow but didn't stop to get a photo until I was headed west out Hwy 138. They say this doesn't happen very often.

Next stop was at Rebekah's. I told her that her job was to make sure I got a photo with my Flynn boys! I can't believe how grown up they all are. Where did my tiny babies go?

But somehow I didn't get photos of Rebekah and I. We had a delightful visit. We went to the Fresno Temple on Wednesday evening. Truly the words from 3 John 1:4 apply to me, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth."

Bek and I found this beautiful fountain at some random shopping center in Fresno.

In the original planning stages I hadn't planned to go to the Bay Area but as the time drew close for my trip I knew I just *needed* to include it. I stopped first thing at Roselawn to leave early birthday flowers for Tony. I felt great peace and love for my wonderful first-born and not too many tears.

I had a lovely visit with Sue and family. We all got together for dinner the first night and I was able to meet my newest little grand-niece, Audrey Ella. I was able to have a wonderful visit with all. I'm so grateful for family. Plus Sue and I made a productive shop at Blue Door Antiques where we found some wonderful orphaned quilt blocks. Sue already has hers in various stages of completion! I told her she was the Queen!

Saturday I took I-5 south back to Palmdale. It's been years since I've taken that route. I normally go via Hwy 99. I was interested to see that they've moved Harris Ranch's stock yards away from the freeway. We've driven past there when you can literally see the methane gas hanging in the cow-manure scented air.

This time around I stayed at Auntie P's house but we had Spencer and family over for dinner and delicious strawberry dream cake.

This may very well replace Pig-Pickin' Cake as our family favorite.

Monday we went to the garment district in LA with Deborah and Andrea.  Pauline was the winning shopper this day... all I got was some zippers.

And no trip to So Cal is complete without a trip to Cielito Lindo. It has pretty much replaced Disneyland.  Well, maybe not, but it's a lot cheaper!

And our trip back home from LA- I've always love this series of tunnels that transition to the I-5.

Tuesday was the day of reckoning and time to come home. And here is Monkey Mountain headed north.

So what of this trip? Here are my stats-

• 12 days
• 2287.3 miles that Elio drove (this doesn't count when other people drove us somewhere)
• A combined total of 40 hours driving time
• 27 family and family-by-choice members visited
• Elio- 9 months old
• Joanie- 60.5 years old
• Countless potty stops (oh, for crying out loud!)
• And quite possibly the easiest solo road-trip I've made in the last decade... I think that must be a result of Elio's comfortable ride and awesome family visits.
• One happy Pup and Pap when I returned home!