Provo Temple- The End of My Era

So many feelings swirling in my head this day... I don't even know where to start this post. Perhaps at the end. Today was the last shift I served as an ordinance worker in the Provo Temple. I've served for 10 years 7 months.

TODAY, 16 DECEMBER 2015

I was set apart on Amanda's birthday, May 19, 2005. I didn't realize then that I was embarking on a wonderful, healing journey.

JOANIE CIRCA 2005

I don't think I realized how much grieving I had just stuffed in a hole because life had to go on. I know that most of that healing is due to my service in the Temple. I've come to an understanding and peace on so many things that needed to be dealt with, but life was always too busy, until now! I've recorded many beautiful, sacred experiences in my journal that all happened in the Temple. Oh, I am so eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father for this great blessing.

As I've pondered on this post I remembered the first time I attended the Provo Temple.

It was the summer of 1975, my Mom and sisters, all avid genealogists, were going to attend a genealogy workshop in Provo Utah. I was so desperate to be with everyone else that I offered to come and be the resident day-care provider for all of the little cousins since I was not a genealogist! Mom flew me, Bekah and Tony from Priest River, Idaho (actually Spokane, WA to Salt Lake City via Denver with these two littles! Bekah, 22 months and Tony, 3) I came a few days early and stayed with Ann and Wayne in Elsinore.

BEKAH, JOANIE AND TONY

27 JULY 1975

ELSINORE, UT

We all met up in Provo and stayed in Helaman Halls. I was the Auntie day-care for 8 little Caraway cousins! It was lovely (if you don't count that we all got salmonella!!) but, truly, it was wonderful to be together as the Caraway girls again.

On one of the afternoons I was able to go to the  Provo Temple. I've always hungered to serve in the Temple.  My sweet Mama, always the photographer, recorded that event for me. She stood up on the balcony to get a picture of me as I left to walked up to the Temple.

And an wave for the camera.

So, after all of the photos I've posted of the Provo Temple over the last 10+ years, this is the last day I am officially an ordinance worker.

But you know what? I will be going back frequently even after I begin as an ordinance worker at the new Provo City Center Temple in March.

Lord, Be Thou My Helper

Today as I was pondering on the scriptures Psalms 30:10-11 jumped off the page at me and I knew that it would need to be this week's #ponderizing scripture!

My mind has been on the trials of this world that we all must face and how taxing that can be. My prayers go out to them in their grief and struggling.

Fortunately, my trials are very small; for which I am very grateful.

This year I have spent much time in prayer pleading for relief from the years of grief. And as always happens, Heavenly Father was just waiting for me to ASK to have this burden lifted and has been quick to grant my plea.

As I pondered this completed graphic formed in my mind. I may not be able to do much... but I stand as witness that our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ never leave us to *go it alone*!! They will reach out to comfort, strengthen, uplift and guide us.

They want us to be successful in our journey back to them!!

I share here, as well, last week's ponderizing scripture.

34 Years

This morning dawned cool and rainy, always a rich August blessing in our desert. We got 200% of our August rain total TODAY! As I prepared to take my walk (yes, in the rain!) the thought flashed through my mind, *The heavens weep.* I immediately replaced it with the thought-

THE HEAVENS REJOICE

AND SO DO I!

I rejoice that my precious Tony and Amanda are safely in the arms of our Heaven Father, freed from the trials of this life. They wait patiently for our joyous reunion.

I mentioned on Amanda's birthday that I'd been praying for, and received, relief from the years of debilitating grief. As this 34th anniversary day has approached I've offered that same prayer and continue to feel my Father's loving support.

After my morning walk I headed to the Provo Temple. I can't be sure, but I think that I've been each year on this day (or the next) all but the 2 years I was visiting in California. It is a wonderful, spiritual blessing to be able to serve there.

I've also found that it is helpful to stay busy so I spent the afternoon helping Camille get ready for her 9th year of teaching!!

Gordon texted me that I'd received flowers from my dear friend. She has been so thoughtful and kind in sending this yearly remembrance!

What I hadn't expected it this...

A sweet and thoughtful gift from my Temple friends, the Mechams.

Of course these gifts made the tears come... but not the sad kind... the grateful kind! These are some of the beautiful tender mercies of the Lord as He works through the hands of His faithful children.

I am so grateful to be at this end of these 34 years! I'm grateful for the understanding that has been given to me. I'm grateful for the healing... which often seems so slow and painful. I'm grateful to know that I will be with my Tony and Amanda again! I'm grateful for my wonderful family who loves and supports me but most of all understands that this is a difficult time and gives me the extra patience I so desperately need.

I want to bear my testimony, once again, that I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. He will never give me more than I can withstand. He will carry me through the darkness until I am able to walk and be whole.

I can do hard things! BUT ONLY BECAUSE I NEVER HAVE TO DO THEM ALONE!!

Happy 39th Birthday Miss 'Manda

Today my little Amanda Ruth would be 39! And somehow I am never ever able to imagine her as any thing other than my tiny girl! She was a going concern from conception! She rarely stopped moving...

APRIL 1977

She was a constant joy (and trial)... My love for her is unbounded.

DECEMBER 1979

And of the April 15-May 19th month each year her birthday is ALWAYS the hardest.

I want to include an excerpt from journal-

I've suffered in the years since Tony and Amanda's death... usually April through August is difficult and then again at Christmas time. Several Christmas ago I started being able to go through the holidays tear-free. As I discussed this with Ann she suggested that I pray for a lifting of this burden of grief. (Duh! Why didn't I think of that?) So this year I've prayed for a lifting of that debilitating grief. I haven't been totally tear-free but I've been blessed with the ability to feel the joy of their lives and take comfort from the Master of my soul. And as always, Amanda's birthday proves the hardest of the Mom's birthday, Tony's birthday, Mom's death, Amanda's birthday month. I'm so grateful for the blessings and love that I feel from my Savior! Without His atoning sacrifice I could not continue! Truly He knows how to succor this child!

I've had a few tears but all in all most of them have come because I am so grateful for the lifting of this burden of grief.

Last fast Sunday with Bekah's family I bore my testimony about this great blessing. Then during Relief Society I kind of lost it during the opening song. Bekah was conducting and sisters that I don't even know reached out to comfort me. I was so blessed that my sisters in Spirit, who don't even know me, would offer this love. I am so GRATEFUL for the tender mercies of the Lord.

"I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them." Elder David A Bednar

Christmas Reflections

The Christmas season can be a difficult time for those of us who have lost loved ones. I've given it a lot of thought on this 34th Christmas without Tony and Amanda.

Why is it so hard?

When I look at it from a faith based point-of-view (and I AM full of faith) I say, "This is the celebration of the birth of our Saviour! The one who makes it possible for me to have faith in that glorious resurrection when I will be reunited with my children."

So why is it so hard?

I've reflected on Elder Joseph B Wirthlin's talk Come What May, and Love It. But I've decided that I need to change that just slightly to-

Come What May, and Love HIM

With that slight change in wording I'm able to trust in the Lord. Trust that He will never leave me comfortless; He will never leave me to *go it alone*!

But why is it so hard?

I've decided that the Christmas celebration embodies everything that is good and family. It is frequently one of the few times that extended families gather and reconnect with their loved ones: older siblings come home from college or far-away locations. It is a concentrated dose of familial love which makes us feel more keenly those who are not with us here.

So is it still hard?

Yes, and no. Some fifteen years ago a friend, who'd also lost a son, was visiting at Christmas time and I commented that this was the first year that Christmas wasn't so hard. She lamented that I shouldn't tell her that because, in fact, 20 years was a lot of sad Christmases.

How can I make it NOT be hard?

Well, the only way I know of is FAITH! Faith in my Lord, Jesus Christ. Faith in His promises. Faith in His timing. And faith that He will help me CHOOSE to be happy.

And that, for me, is the key. I have to choose to be happy. I avoid those things that will throw me into a funk. When those sad, longing feelings come, and they always do, I try to replace them with thoughts of joy. Joy that my children have been freed from the trials of this world. Joy that I will be with them again someday. Joy that I was am given the privileged of  being their mother. Joy that they are ever near to me... just through the thin veil that separates us temporarily.

Yes. I choose joy.



On a lovely side note-

Today we had a special Stake Conference at which Bishop Gérald Caussé was our visiting authority. As tender mercies will happen, our Stake President, W Vince Wilding, was a missionary in young Brother Caussé's ward in France 35 ago where Brother Caussé served as the branch pianist.

Bishop Caussé and his wife spoke. She apologized for her broken English and strong French accent but spoke movingly of our Savior and the words of the song What Child Is This. When Bishop Caussé got up to speak he said he had a surprise for his wife. He went to the piano and played the most beautiful arrangement of What Child Is This. I was so touched not only by his ability to *speak* that pure language of music but the sweet gesture it was to his wife, who struggles to speak in English.

My DeLoris

IN MEMORIAM

DeLoris Percy

July 21, 1921 - October 30, 2014

THIS PHOTO TAKEN AUGUST 8, 2014

I knew this day would come... it does for all of us. Yesterday my ga-LOR-ee-ous De-LOR-ee-ous was released from this frail existence to go home to home to her loving Heavenly Father.

DeLoris has been my dear friend nearly from the day I moved to Utah. I was blessed with being called to be her visiting teacher. The Lord knew exactly what I needed when I moved here. I was just 52 and I was assigned with a bunch of octogenarians! It didn't take long for DeLoris and I to become fast friends.

DeLoris couldn't drive because of her pain patch so I frequently became her chauffeur. She introduced me to many of the local delights (other than WalMart!). In the fall of 2005 we began our yearly tradition of driving the Alpine Loop.

In fact, we just made our last annual drive 2 weeks ago.

I went to visit with DeLoris and asked if she would be up to a drive to which she replied, "Let's go!" With her uncertain health (we had a scare before her birthday) I knew that we had to seize the opportunity IMMEDIATELY!

I also knew, from past experience, that she was no longer tall enough to see out the window without some help. We joked on our last trip that she needed a booster seat! So I yoinked a couple of pillows off her bed and away we went.

This dear sweet friend, my DeLoris, is such a marvelous example of uncomplaining patience through trials. Oh, how I will miss her!

God be with you till we meet again...

33 Years

Today's anniversary of Tony and Amanda's death coincided with Fast Sunday. I knew that I needed to share my testimony of my Saviour. I must testify that Jesus is my strength, my comfort, my rock. He has never left me alone in my grief. Has it been hard? Absolutely!

TONY, AMANDA, REBEKAH EASTER SUNDAY 1981 (4-10)

But...

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." 

Phillipians 4:13

And as in years past, an anonymous angel has sent me flowers. Chad Wright delivered these at 8:15 this morning.

And they always bear this same message.

The thought just occurred to me. I've been sad that I couldn't decorate my kid's grave each year since they are buried in Livermore, CA. But some earthly angel decorates my house instead. What a wonderful blessing.

Truly they have followed the Saviour's counsel to "... succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees." (D&C 81:5) and "... are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light: and are willing to mourn with those that mourn: and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:8-9)

But I learned a new fact today; I am not the only one to whom this marvelous Christ-like person ministers. There are others in my neighborhood who received like remembrances on their difficult day.

I also had a visit and sweet treat and lovely note from my Whitley. I taught Whitley's Sunday school class last year. She is an angel.

I am so very blessed to live in an area where there are so many people who listen to the promptings of the Spirit and "comfort those which stand in need of comfort."

Sometimes You Just Have To Laugh...

Today I went to Desi's house to get a perm. (For those of you who may not know, Desi and Camille have been best friends since kindergarten and she is like a second daughter). Her little kids were going to go right across the street and ride their bikes in the parking lot at the school (which they call the park).

It brought to mind a story about my Tony. When he was just about the same age as Emmalie we lived just kitty-corner to the park and he used to love to ride his new bike there. I told them that I was watching out the window when I saw Tony crash his bike into one of the logs that were at the park's perimeter. I saw him get up and he started jumping up and down and crying (but I could'nt hear him, I could only see him). When I met him halfway he was bleeding badly from a cut on his head. (Poor little guy! You know how head wounds bleed)

TONY WITH HIS BIRTHDAY BIKE APRIL 1979

Emmalie was sitting at the counter eating a donut I'd brought and chimed in, "Did he die?"

I thought about it for about 2 seconds and answered, "Yes, but not from that!" And then laughed. Desi catching the sick joke, joined in. Finally Emmalie wanted to know what was so funny. So explained to her that he'd died from a drowning accident 2 years later.

There may be those who will judge me harshly on this one. I'm just grateful that, for once, the *dead* question didn't feel like such a punch in the gut. (But I cried as I wrote all of this!)

Annabelle Goes Home

Already! It seems soon but I was always anxious to get home too.

I got to have a few minutes to change Annabelle's diaper and get her dressed for her trip home. I just love that they have so many darling clothes for newborns!

Here is the new family... they've waited a long time for this precious little baby-girl.

Deborah is already such a good Mommy! She is thrilled to have her very own baby.

I couldn't be more thrilled that Annabelle arrived on her Daddy's 30th birthday. What a wonderful memory for both of them. There are so many similarities between the arrival of these two much anticipated and waited for babies. I think that Spencer and Annabelle are even more loved and appreciated because of the loss of an older sibling[s].

Ris'n With Healing in His Wings

Church today can only be described as a spiritual feast. It was the most wonderful blend of words, music, testimony, thoughts and hymns.

It all came together singing the closing hymn- Hark! The Herald Angels Sing. When we got to the words of the second verse,

"Ris'n with healing in His wings."

 

it was all I could do to not sob. Because that is what I pray for, not only at Christmas time, but all year long.

I've talked a lot here about grieving and healing. I'm so grateful to be at this end of that path. I've experienced so much healing in the nine years since we moved to Utah.

As I contemplate other's journey on this difficult path it is always my foremost prayer that they will feel the loving arms of our Savior encircling, protecting and pouring in that healing balm of Gilead.

I bear fervent testimony that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. He came as a tiny baby, lived a perfect life and then willingly accepted all of the sins, pain AND grief of His brothers and sisters. He willingly descended below it all so that He would know how to succor His people. He loves us with an infinite love... I can't really comprehend it; but I feel it deep in my soul. I know that my Savior loves me. I know that He delights to bless me. I know that our prayers on behalf of others can call down the powers of Heaven to heal and comfort them.

How grateful I am for that healing...

Word of Comfort

Today is the 31st anniversary of Tony and Amanda's death. I'd like to tell you that it gets easier to make it through this time of year, but I would be lying!

I started crying last Thursday and didn't quit until Tuesday evening up at girls camp (not continuously, but way to much!) when I went and found a place of solitude after a dinner-time meltdown and pleaded for the ability to stop crying and be able to function more normally. This year was different- I couldn't just hide out at home... I was surrounded by my *sisters-in-the-kitchen*.

Today these arrived...



I don't recognize the hand writing but there are so many kind women who could be responsible for this loving gift.



Truly it optimizes the scripture to "lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the feeble knees".

Again, I will bear my testimony that the reason I can go on, function, show empathy and help others in their grief is because of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Then Life Happens...

Saturday I was nearing the end of my heritage album project. As I was wrapping it up I thought, "Daddy died that summer... why don't I have any photos?" A quick call to my sister Ann... the tears started to flow when I told her why I was calling. Wouldn't you think that after nearly 42 years... well, maybe not!**

Daddy's funeral, July 18, 1970 was the day I met my half-sister Sarah Jane, 47; and half-brother, Richard, 44. (Keep in mind I was only 17.) I always knew that Daddy had other older-grown-up-children and it was nice to finally meet them. I never saw or communicated with Richard after that day (he was a Catholic Monk) but I did keep in touch with Sarah Jane.

SUE, SARAH JANE, ANN, JOANIE, RICHARD- THE CARAWAY CHILDREN

Now here is an epiphany... we'd lived for years in our little house with the falling-off-asphalt-siding. It embarrassed mom so badly but we never had the money to do anything about it.  It occurred to me, as I looked at these photos, that perhaps Mom was finally able to hire a local tradesman to re-side and spiff up the house because she'd  received a survivor's annuity or life insurance from daddy. How could I have never thought of that before?

This is Ann and baby-Andy behind Mom's house (always the worst side... which I invariable took photos of) before it was painted. (I couldn't figure out whose orange house this was)

When I came back home in September 1970 from Virginia for a short visit this is what I found! What a beautiful and happy exterior for Elsie's little house!

** So what of *Then Life Happens...*?
That summer of 1970 marks the beginning of some very difficult years for me. I suppose that is part of what brought on the tears. After spending all of those happy hours reminiscing my childhood I felt overwhelmed with what I know, now, would occur in the next 11 years.
I'm grateful to be at this end of my live with all of that Life-Happening behind me.  I'm grateful to know that I've been strengthened and comforted by my loving Savior.

Joplin MO

Since we were only an hour's drive from Joplin MO we wanted needed to go.

I've seen photos online and TV showing the devastation but I don't think I was prepared for the vastness of the tornado's power.

Tornado's swath

I became aware that for every photo like this there is a family who've lost their home, possessions and, in some cases, loved ones. How can I even wrap my head around that?

Shattered Dreams

It has been 8 months since the May 22, 2011 EF5 tornado cut its way through Joplin. There are signs of reconstruction: new homes, half-built homes, new businesses but there are still the very visible demolished buildings left standing as a reminder.

Joplin High School

I can' help but think about my favorite parable of The Wise Man and the Foolish Man. The floods will come, the winds, ye the shafts in the whirlwind will blow (and the EF5 tornado will wreak its might blow) but the Wise Man, firmly rooted on the Rock, who is Jesus Christ, will still be standing, if somewhat weathered when the storm passes.

Steadfast and immovable

Truly we could not continue on this difficult course of life if it were not for our faith in our loving Savior.

Dylan Ross Lewis

Thursday, August 4, 2011, we laid little Dylan to rest at Desert Lawn Cemetery. He is under a wonderful, shady fruitless mulberry tree in the Innocence Garden, or as I prefer to call it the Baby Lawn. It is a beautiful little corner in the otherwise dry and barren Mojave Desert.



Spencer and Deborah only wanted family to come to the graveside service. It couldn’t have been a better morning. There was a lovely cool desert breeze that tinkled a sweet little wind chime hung in the tree. We shared our faith in eternal families, hope in a glorious resurrection and gratitude for the Atonement made by our loving older brother, Jesus Christ. Again, what would we do without this hope?

Thumbnail Moon Sunset

I have the very great blessing of west facing windows... I know Jane Austen wouldn't agree and think west-facing windows very incommodious. (Think all of that with a strong English accent!)  What I like is that I rarely miss a beautiful view of the sunsets if I am in my office.

I glanced up from my work tonight and saw the most deep, beautiful, soft sunset; it only got better when I pulled up the blinds to shoot through the screen (again) and saw my very favorite *thumbnail moon*. This first sliver of a new moon always reminds me of my thumbnail. (Guess that lets you know how long my nails don't grow!)



It was beautiful and soothing... exactly what I needed this evening.

We Heart Tiny Baby Dylan

I love this photo taken of Spencer and Deborah holding tiny Dylan's feet. Their hands suggest a heart centered around their sweet little stillborn son.



I am so grateful for the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the hope of a glorious resurrection. I'm grateful for eternal families. How could a parent go on without these principle of hope?

Celestial Child

Wednesday was a very eventful day; early in the day the words from Job came into my mind.

"...The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

Shortly after little Chloe's birth I got a text from Spencer telling me that he and Deborah had gone in for a routine 33-week prenatal appointment and they couldn't detect a heartbeat! It is every parents nightmare! An emergency ultrasound confirmed that, in fact, baby Dylan was gone. Having lost two children myself I know the heartache but now I ache because my dear Spenny and Deb are having the same experience.

The process of bringing about the birth process of a stillborn child is a slow one. Last night (about 36 hours after first discovery) at about 9 pm little Dylan was delivered. He weighs 2 pounds 4 ounces and is a beautiful, perfect little boy.



The AV hospital staff have been marvelous. They gave Spencer and Deborah all the time they needed to be with their tiny son. Auntie P and Deborah's two sisters arrived after his birth and took photos.

This one tears my heart... he is lying on an afghan made by his great-gramma Edna.



He is just a tiny little Celestial Child gone on before his loving parents...



to await their arrival.

Celestial Child by Becky Osmond Close

For one brief moment in the span of time
You stepped across the veil and became a child of mine.
Sweet Celestial Light, sleeping in the night,
Angels came to take you home again.

This earthly test was not for you-
But, oh, for me!
As yearning grows within to hold you tenderly
But I can feel your love, reaching from above,
Through the veil and deep within my soul,

And Oh, what comfort is given me
To know that you are mine forever
Now seeing through my tears,
As my sorrow disappears
A vision of Eternity together!

For one brief moment in the span of time
You stepped across the veil and became a child of mine.
Sweet Celestial light,
Glowing pure and bright
Save within your Heavenly Home above.

Saying Good-bye

In the early hours this morning my sweet friend, Andrea, went home to her Heavenly Father after a long and valiant fight against cancer. She was such an example of enduring to the end.



The first time I remember interacting with Andrea was when our little girls, Camille and Desi, were in kindergarten together. The girls became best, and live-long, friends. You know how that draws moms together too. We both hosted countless sleep-overs and other fun activities for our little girls. But I really came to appreciate Andrea as MY friend when we served together as the Young Women Presidency in the Palmdale 2nd ward. I could always count on her for good ideas, enthusiasm, and *keeping presidency meeting under an hour*!


Andrea and I shared many things: a girls getaway weekend in Big Bear where she had the most wonderful photos from their years in Japan to scrapbook, our woes and trials as mothers, our love of the Gospel of Jesus Christ AND she has kindly shared her grandchildren with me as well.

Andrea was such a good example of unconditional love, persistence, generosity, creativity, spirituality and so many more that I can't list.

I'm grateful to know that we will share our friendship through eternity. I know she will be busy using all her wonderful talents while she waits for the rest of us to catch up.

Love you sweetie-girl!

Tender Mercies

In April 2005, just 6 months after Elder David A Bednar was sustained as an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, he gave a beautifully moving conference address, The Tender Mercies of the Lord. I wept through his talk because I have been the recipient of just those tender mercies from the Lord!

"The Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly 

or merely by coincidence."

The ancient prophet Nephi states, "But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." 1 Nephi 1:20



This day, Amanda's 35th birthday, I was the recipient, once again, of a tender mercy from the Lord. I love to see Him work through those who love Him and are receptive to His promptings. My sweet friend, Maureen, appeared today with this beautiful mum to brighten my day. She had no idea it was Amanda's birthday. Yes, a tender mercy from the Lord.

Iris for Elsie

Today is one of those bittersweet days that come around too often at my house. We all know that it is Mother's Day. The sweet part, and I hate to break it to the rest of you- I have the very best mom in the world! The not-so-sweet part is that she's been gone for 34 Mother's Days now! I can't like that part too much!

But as my sweet-niece-Cindy reminds me, "The veil is only as thick as you make it!" So when I look at these beautiful purple iris that grace my garden I remember my Mama!



But Elsie, my Mom, didn't just have the purple iris like these. Oh no! She had such an array of bearded iris as anyone would love to behold: cream, peach, bi-colored, blue, fragile Dutch iris... it makes my heart happy to think of them.

She loved flowers so much. Our funny little yard in Greenville was thick with flowers: daffodils, iris, gladiolas, violets, lilacs; those lovely perennials!



And petunias... don't forget the petunias! That was my standard Mother's Day gift. I would go to Hunter's Hardware down on Main Street and buy Mom a flat of petunias (usually with her money) and then I would help her plant them.

So this year I valiantly remember the happy, sweet memories of my wonderful, loving mother who sacrificed her life and desires to raise her girls!  And I try not too let too many tears fall with missing her!