139- Amanda Ruth

Last night I was lying on the bed and looked at the clock and realized that tomorrow (today) was Amanda's birthday. She would be 33 today. I started writing some of my feelings last night and was so tired all I could do was feel sad. Today I worked just as hard, but I think it was very therapeutic and tonight I've enjoyed scanning photos and working on this post very much.


Joanie, Rebekah meeting Amanda, just home from the hospital- May 1976.

Almost from conception I was filled with the most profound love for my yet unborn baby. It wasn’t until Amanda was born that I realized that the Lord knew just how much I would need to love this little girl. She was a true redhead and had the stereotypical personality. She had almost no tolerance for frustration; she was hot or cold, red or white, extremely happy or very sad. And I love her with all my heart.


Rebekah, Grammy, Amanda and Tony- May 1976

Mom came to take care of us when I had Amanda. She was so good to do that for all of us. (I missed that with my three younger children.)


Amanda in Tony's giant pumpkin- October 1976


Amanda at 17 months


Amanda Christmas 1978

Ann and Sue tell me that she was a little Joanie in so many ways. She loved to make up names for her little stuffed animals. There was: Koomot, the bear and Moosamoola, the dog. Amanda said the funniest things; she’d put her eye on my cheek and then say, “I’m gonna keep my eye on you!”


Amanda in Baker, OR- summer 1979

She loved to write on the walls, the floor, my car bumper (hot in the sun), and the heater with crayons. It didn’t matter what I did; spanking, time-out, make her clean it up… nothing. (And after her death when I had my car serviced some well-meaning mechanic cleaned that crayon off the bumper and I was heartbroken!)


Amanda's 4th birthday- 1980

This will always be my favorite photo of Amanda. It captured her sweetness and her precious spirit that was just too big for that little body.

I struggle when I try to express her brief life here on earth; the whole of it was fraught with much family upheaval and I know that if she could have come to my family under different circumstances her little life would have been easier. I am particularly grateful that I will have the opportunity to "raise" her in the next life without all of the dysfunction and garbage... what would I do without that eternal perspective?


My last photo of Amanda and I together- August 3, 1981

Amanda, I love you and I am so grateful that you are my little girl... just keep waiting for me... I will get there soon.